sidewalk

the man was yelling and waving at me.
throwing his arms up in the air, disgust and anger animating his face.
my car was blocking the sidewalk.
the large sign on the sidewalk advertising vacant apartments obscured my view of oncoming traffic and the only way to see was to pull out over the sidewalk and nose out into the street.
if you didn't do that, you were likely to get smacked by a car or truck or bus.
i didn't see this guy emerge from the apartments.
i was too busy watching the traffic. we'd been sitting there for at least a minute. it is a busy intersection.
but this guy. he was obviously very angry at me.
for a moment i became fearful.
what if he started pounding my windows? i had my daughters in the car with me.
what if he had a gun?
i'd either get hit by a car or shot. my girls too.
i was fearful. then i was mad. and then he apparently decided his point was made and walked behind the car (where there was plenty of room.)
and i was just sad.
sad to have been that fearful. sad that anyone could snap. sad that it wasn't even a paranoid reaction.
finally there was a break in the traffic and i pulled out.
i glanced over and saw the man walking on the sidewalk.
i thought of how lousy a day it had been.
contract arguments at work. stepping in cat shit in my bare feet. the horrible violent misogyny of the isla vista killer and the aftermath.
(i have two daughters. sometimes i'm really scared for them. there is no feeling as hopeless as that fear.)
the big and the small and the inability to be sure which was which.
that man walking down the sidewalk had just yelled at me.
he'd probably had a bad day too.
neither of us, in all honesty,
knew what to do.

--5/28/14, first draft, only draft.