a notebook and a pen

There is comfort in having a notebook and a pen nearby. My handwriting, never great, has badly deteriorated through lack of use. But I still pick up the notebook and pen on occasion. The computer has never once offered comfort. I don't believe it capable, honestly. The notebook and pen have been my lifelong friends and companions.

I've kept every notebook I've ever done any creative writing in, as well as my handwritten journals. What value could they ever possibly have to anyone? None, except to me. Not for inspiration, but as proof. Proof to myself that I actually lived. I had some thoughts and tried to express some things. The notebooks are by and large not flattering--the writing is mostly awful and most were composed during some rough years when I was young. When I read through one of the notebooks a couple of months back, I cringed at the arrogance in some (but, to be fair, certainly not all) the writings. Such insecurity in my life and only on the page was there any confidence. Clearly I overcompensated. Only the young and stupid believe themselves to be some kind of visionary. Only the young and stupid care about being some kind of visionary. 

I largely stopped writing by hand in the mid-90s. Within a year or two I essentially stopped writing altogether (minus the occasional journal entry.) For close to a decade, I did little writing, having convinced it was pointless as I have little talent. When I started back up again in the mid-aughts (having missed the joyous feeling of creativity, the occasional catharsis, and deciding that since no one saw my work anyway it didn't matter if I had no talent) I composed almost exclusively on a computer. This has its advantages--I can type much faster than I can write by hand--but it lacks the intimacy, the companionship of writing by hand.

I find writing by hand ideal for prose and poetry, but I've never been able to compose stories very well with the pen. The pen simply slows me down too much, and that is not good for the volume of words a story requires, especially in the first draft. For poetry and prose, which are largely more contemplative and slow to the page, it is perfect. 

Lord my handwriting is bad now. Yet it doesn't matter. That is the great thing about the notebook and the pen--they do not judge. They warm to your touch, even when the harshest words are laid down, the loudest cries of despair. They comfort you and let you vent, support you when you struggle to say something meaningful, even when you are only composing a conversation with yourself. It is a blessing to have such good friends, ones who do not care if you go away for awhile. They will always welcome you back. 

Note: yes, this was composed by pen in notebook. Putting it here on the blog makes it much more legible.