Words are...words are my friends, generally. Sometimes we get a little testy with each other but by and large words help me out a lot, the way friends do. They support me, listen to me, keep my secrets and tell my stories. I like having them around. The last two days, though, there is one word that I just can't be friends with. I really don't want this word around, but it is there and won't leave me alone. Like a fly that buzzes around your head and refuses to leave no matter how much you swat at it.
The word? Why.
Why why why.
Just like that. Endless, repetitive, relentless. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person this word is tormenting this week. You see, my circle of loved ones lost a member this week to suicide. And it really fucking hurts, you know, like having your flesh ripped off. Hurt, grief, sadness, anger--all of these emotions have rolled over me like gigantic dark waves in the last few days. They knock me down, I struggle back up, I get knocked down again. They do the same to my loved ones.
But why is the worst, because it is a question that will never, ever be answered. All of the cycles of grief will be gone through, but I think confronting the fact that this act is, in the end, unknowable will be the hardest. I can't lean on words right now; I can't even find the words. Except Why. It won't leave me alone.
There is so much to say; I have nothing I to say. Actually, that's not true. There is one thing I can't say enough: if you ever feel you cannot travel along life's path anymore, reach out for a helping hand, be it your family, your friends, or a professional. Someone will be there for you and will help. You are not alone in your struggles. And most importantly: you are loved. We want you around. We want you to be part of this crazy beautiful thing we call life. We don't want to ever ask why. We want you here with us.
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